Writing down what my husband says as he watches The Bachelorette
James:Look at these guys.
James:The only way to get on this show is if you say yes to these questions: Are you a dick?
James:Do you like tight black t-shirts and arm curls?
James:Do you like attention?
James:Do you have an arm tattoo?
James:Why aren't any of these guys talking about fucking her? That's ALL these guys would be talking about without the cameras there.
James:Look at these guys. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick.
James:I can't believe this woman put her kid on this show. "My Dad died, and then my Mom went on this whore show twice."
James:This guy is totally Will Forte.
James:What!? This guy just answered a question with a question.
James (valley girl accent):"I'm not feeling butterflies!! I'm just feeling sick that I have to sit with this guy who answers my questions with questions for another 2 hours."
James:She's crying because she's a total mess.
James:I would hate to get murdered. That would be the fucking worst way to die ever. You'd just be like, "ARE YOU FOR FUCKING REAL?"
James:As if this woman couldn't find a boyfriend without a TV show.
James:A beard isn't really complete until you can put elastic bands in it, right? That's how I'll know when mine is done.
James:When I was fat a few years ago, in all those pictures, can we just tell people that was your uncle?
James:I'm going on The Bachelor. I'm so fucking done with you Kelly. I'm going on the Bachelor to meet one of these hot ladies who knows what they are looking for.
James:The only thing Tony can do at this point is whip his pants down.
James:I'm going skydiving. Chances of dying are 1:100000, chances of dying in a car 1:4000. I'm going to skydive into the pool. If I died because the chute didn't open, that's a pretty great story for the kids to tell their friends.
James:I want a 60 day membership to this BJ's place.
James:Look at this douchebag's hair.
James:Nice fucking letter, man.
James (Imitating Bachelor):"I have a son named Taylor. He's 5 and a totally sweet kid and he will absolutely bone your daughter Ricky."
James:Stevie is a PARTY MC??
James:Who says 'mincely'? Who the fuck says 'mincely,' come on.
James:You can tell that guy got hit in the head.
James:As if she's gonna pick the Party MC, she has a kid.
James:She picked the Party MC. That's how you know this is buillshit. That's fantastic.
James:You're a biology teacher man. You make 20K a year, what is THIS GIRL supposed to do with you, a biology teacher? She already knows where her vagina is.
A few hours ago, I landed in Los Angeles, turned on my phone, and confirmed what you already know. Sony Pictures Television is replacing me as showrunner on Community, with two seasoned fellows that I’m sure are quite nice - actually, I have it on good authority they’re quite nice, because…
13 years ago, Dan was seated at the bar at Reservoir in NYC, finishing his whiskey when I sat down next to him. The bartender came over and asked what I wanted to drink. Dan hadn’t seen me sit down and thought the bartender was talking to him. So, at the exact same time, we both replied: BUSHMILLS ON THE ROCKS.
Dan was stunned. He turned and looked at me and with a huge smile said: MARRY ME.
I being a smart NYC gal, who does’t marry complete strangers on command dryly replied: NO.
Well, we’ve been married for 8 years now and I know I’m the luckiest person in the world because I got to marry my best friend - Dan.
Now, Bushmills has put us in a competition against 9 other couples to win a trip to Ireland and visit the Bushmills Distillery. I want to win this for Dan. To give him this trip as a gift for taking me on a crazy ride these past many years and for not taking NO for an answer.